Chester Bread Poo

www.UpTheDeise.com, The Waterford People's Website!

Aim

To create fake poo out of a regular chester bread in order to deceive the unsuspecting public into believing in its authenticity.

Apparatus

Ability to walk to cake shop, chesterbread, hands, creative poo making skills and a bit of divilment

Theory

It is not quite understood why poo makes us all laugh so much... it can cause even the most rational of us to act in a peculiar way when we encounter it, such as in a public toilet for instance, if we encounter a floaty, often we will reverse and find the nearest poo free cubicle rather than flush down the offending item.  It can cause tremendous feelings of anxiety and fear in the most brave of us, and the smell of it can induce vomiting in extreme cases when smell intensive proximity zone has been breached.  Because of all these factors, poo is one of the most useful items in a practical joker's inventory.  Therefore, if a joker cannot get their hands on a fake poo in a joke shop for various reasons such as cost, realism, accessibility etc., chesterbread has been identified as an ideal substitute for creating fake poo when the inevitable need arises.

Procedure

1. Proceed to the nearest cake shop that sells chesterbread and buy some (Warning when the writer was a boy he could purchase a large chesterbread capable of producing several poos as well as a fine meal for 15p, today, you may require over a euro for a single moderately sized chesterbread)
2. Proceed home and view the items before proceeding with the experiment. Image below depicts two of waterford's finest chesterbread specimins.
   
3. Eat your fill of the stuff (warning: due to the density of the substance you may not be able to eat as much as you think so beware.  Scientists believe chesterbread exerts a noticable force of gravity on those that encounter the substance causing overeating of the substance with dire consequences).  The images below show a typical Waterford person enjoying the chesterbread experience
   
4. Gather remaining morsels of chesterbread for poo making activity and remove all pastry coating as in image below.
   
5. Pick up interior of chesterbread, discarding pastry shell and mould in your hand into the shape of a poo.  Note: creativity is paramount here, you can design a poo to fit your needs by shaping into whatever form you wish.  If the core substance is crumbly, simply add a small amount of water to ensure the correct viscosity of the substance. Below are images of several poos created during this experiment.
   
6. Perform parctical jokes on unsuspecting jokee, the following provoked an adequate response for the purposes of this experiment: 
   • The old, "I'm eating a poo trick" provokes unpredictable results (in extreme cases, fainting may occur) 
     
   • The old, "See do they flush" joke (can be modified to "How did they miss" joke)
     
   • The old, "Poo on the doorstep trick" (A personal favourite of the author)
     
7. After trick has been performed, ensure you are at a safe distance from the jokee and tidy away your mess as you do not want your visitors thinking you have those kinds of trouble. 

Conclusion

It has been adequatly proven at this stage that chesterbread does in fact make suberb fake poo.  The practicality of making realistic poos is perfectly accessible to the novice poo maker, however, it is advised that creativity is utilised to gain maximum reaction.  When executed with even the minimum care the results can be quite spectacular indeed. There are so many variations of joke that can be performed with this apparatus it is a wonder that there is not a shortage of chesterbread out there, considering the cost of making this over the cost of a standard plastic fake poo, and you also get the advantage of filling your belly too. A truly remarkable substance.